That's Why I Still Haven't Fired Him
by CelticPhantom
Summary: A day at the office quickly goes wrong as Reno pulls one of his more insane pranks.
1. Reno

That's Why I Still Haven't Fired Him

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own the Turks or Final Fantasy, how great would that be though (goes into a fifty two minute drooling session)

A/C: Ah the Turks, at the office is there any more satisfyingly insane venue for a humor fic?

**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**

Tseng glanced at his watch, it was eleven and Reno still hadn't shown up for work. He tolerated it just simply because the man was so good at his job, unfortunately he couldn't be trusted with anything else, and to make things worse he still had to think of some entertainment for the company picnic next week.

Elena's head poked through the door. "Sir.

Tseng looked up at her. "Yes?"

"Do you know where Reno is I haven't been able to find him, I still don't know how he hasn't been fired a hundred times over, he's so unreliable."

Tseng sighed. "I'm going to go get a cup of coffee."

"Sir?"

Tseng shrugged as he walked past her. "Try calling his house."

He had made it about halfway down the hallway when a large crash came from the shared office of Reno and Rude. Tseng sighed and took a step back and looked into the room. "What's going on here."

The bulky form of Rude turned to him and it took all of his control not to laugh, the bald Turk was covered in paint, bright pink paint.

Rude rubbed his head self consciously and pointed to an air vent. "He's gotten into the vents sir."

Tseng rubbed his temples in frustration. "You mean I've been in my office all day waiting to brief him on his next mission and he's been up in the ventilation system, using the skills Shin-Ra paid large sums of money to train him in, shooting up the place with PINK paintballs."

Rude nodded. "That's about the gist of it sir."

Tseng turned around and walked down the hall. "Well come on!"

Rude poked his head out the door. "...Mind if I clean up first boss?"

Tseng closed his eyes and slowly counted to ten. "Make it quick."

Not long after the muscle bound Turk walked out of his private bathroom, clean, and wearing his spare suit, grabbing one of his spare pairs of sunglasses on his way out (he liked to keep a few pairs just in case Hurricane Reno blew through the office.)

Placing his ultra cool sunglasses on he looked over at Tseng. "Where should we start?"

"EEEEEEEEEEK!"

Tseng look in the direction of the shriek. "There."

They found themselves in Elena's office biting their tongues, drenched in what appeared to be ranch dressing.

Rude smirked. "Reno strikes again."

Tseng rolled his eyes. "Don't get cocky there pinky."

At Elena's questioning look the Turk returned to his stoic attitude.

"We should split up, we'll have a better chance of catching him, and when I do I'm going to-" Tseng was cut off as the lights flickered and went out.

"Aww crap." Rude muttered

"Oh gods he's gotten into the power control room."

Tseng winced. "I thought we had guards all around that area."

Rude clicked on a small penlight. "What can mere guards do against Satan himself."

Elena fumbled around in her desk drawer before finally producing a large flashlight.

Tseng turned around. "We'd better head down to the control room, everybody stay together." He strode towards the door, directly into a wall.

Elena pointed the light towards him. "Uhhh the doors about three feet to your right."

Tseng mumbled an angry "Thanks."

The two subordinate Turks stopped as their leader overshot them. "Boss where are you going?" Elena called out after him.

Their reply came from the dark a few feet away. "To the elevator where do you-"

His voice was cut off as a loud thud resounded throughout the room.

Rude winced (behind those damnably cool shades of course.) "Power's out, elevator won't work."

Tseng walked passed the two and into the stairwell.

Elena looked over at Rude and whispered. "I think he broke his nose when he walked into the elevator."

Rude nodded. "Don't tell him that though, he'll rip you apart."

"Hurry up you two!"

They quickly followed after their mildly injured leader.

When they caught him he had just finished wiping the blood from his face and was now set on cursing the name and family of one Reno N. Vada in every language known to the history of the planet.

The silence as they journeyed was too much for Elena. "So why did Reno go insane?"

Rude raised an eyebrow. "Insane?"

"You know, cutting off the power, attacking fellow Turks..." She clarified.

Rude laughed. "He didn't go insane he just got bored doing paperwork, this happens every couple of months." He started ticking off his fingers. "There's the time he let the mongoose loose in the cafeteria, making s'mores on a bonfire of paperwork he'd gathered into the office, that time he pretended to be the President's doctor and told him to go get an enema..."

"The Choco fights, shaving the Vice President bald, putting a bunch of live snakes in my desk drawer." Tseng finished off bitterly.

"You're never going to let that one go eh?"

Tseng turned around and glowered at Rude. "I spent three weeks in the hospital in a coma, I was legally dead for half an hour!"

"Yeah those were some good times." Came Reno's cocky voice.

The trio whirled around in surprise.

"Nope, not there."

They turned to look to the left. "Reno." Tsengs voice boomed. "Get out here now, this time you've gone too far."

"You're never gonna catch me."

Tseng was getting pretty damn pissed now. "RENO!" He turned around when he felt a tap on his shoulder, it was Elena. "What!"

She held up a voice recorder. "I think he planted these around the stairwell and triggered them to go off when someone walked by..."

"You have to admit he's damn good at what he does." Rude commented as he looked over another one of the recorders.

If they'd had a light shining on him they would have seen the massive vain bulging out of Tseng's forehead, gritting his teeth he mumbled. "Trust me that's the only reason I don't fire him."

Rude took a step forward and immediately jumped back as a spray of paint balls hit where he had been moments before.

"I'm sorry this route is closed, please try again later." Reno's voice came over another recorder, sounding like a public service announcement.

Elena slumped back against the wall. "Great how are we going to get down there now."

"We could scale down the side of the wall and take the stairs from the first floor." Rude suggested.

Elena snorted. "Like hell we're going to scale down sixty five floors of this building just because a coworker is mentally unstable."

Tseng nodded in agreement. "She's right we're all intelligent people, we were trained to be the best we should be able to find another way, just give me five minutes."

It was twenty minutes later and they were scaling down the side of the building.

Rude commented up to Tseng. "I'm surprised the utility closet had a rope long enough to reach the bottom."

"Yeah." Elena agreed. "And I'm surprised Reno hasn't popped up yet to screw us up."

Tseng and Rude both looked down at her, ready to shush her for tempting fate, but fate had unfortunately already taken the bait. Had anyone looked up they would have seen the hand of a certain red haired Turk reaching out with a pair of scissors.

Unfortunately they didn't and without warning were sent into a free fall, Elena screaming for dear life, Rude trying to keep his sunglasses on his head, and Tseng cursing insanely.

Just when the poor Turks thought it all over they fell face first into a massive vat.

Elena climbed out quickly and tried to clean off the whatever it was they'd fallen into from her jacked. "Ewww, what the hell is it."

Rude just stood there, shoulder deep, leaning over he took a sniff. "Last week's left over egg salad from the cafateria."

Tseng climbed out and brushed himself off (somewhat.) "Couldn't be, they toss it to the slums if nobody touches it."

Rude got out and stared at it for a minute. "Huh, so that's what he was doing backing a tanker truck up to the building last Thursday."

"So he's been planning this for a week?" Tseng asked.

Rude stared at Tseng for a minute. "Come to think of it I saw some drawings on his desk a week before that, I dismissed them as those caricatures he does of you when he's bored but...duck."

"What?" The other two Turks asked in unison.

Unfortunately for them Rude was the only one who had found cover as a small explosion sent the egg salad flying all over the place.

Tseng wiped it from his face and glowered at the (relatively) clean Rude. "You could have done more than just saving your own ass."

Rude shrugged. "I told you to duck didn't I?"

Elena and Tseng stared at rude for a moment. Tseng sighed and headed towards the front door. "Come on, there are spare Turk uniforms on every floor."

Elena raised an eyebrow. "Sir."

"Had it done two months after Reno was first recruited." Tseng clarified.

Just before he opened the door Rude stopped him. "I wouldn't do that..."

Tseng stared at the door for a moment. "Does seem a bit obvious doesn't it? Well..." A wry smile crossed Tseng's face. "We could use Reno's own tactic against him."

"..." Rude said, obviously (to himself at least) nervous with the plan.

Tseng quickly brought them to a small air vent in the back of the building. "It'll be a tight fit for you and I." Tseng said, looking over at Rude.

"..." Rude replied.

The three made their way through the vents, stopping twice due to Rude getting wedged into a space far to small for his size.

Elena climbed out into the small room filled with Turk uniforms, followed by Tseng. Rude breathed a sigh of relief as he started to pull himself out, growling in anger when he found his mid section stuck once more. Unfortunately for the stoic Turk this had happened at the worst possible moment, feeling several stinging impacts on his rear. "RENO!" Some say that night, the bald Turks roar of anger reached all of Midgar and continues to this day to echo across the planet.

Elena and Tseng grabbed his collar and pulled with all their Mako enhanced might, which in retrospect to the pair was clearly far more than necessary, as demonstrated by Rude flying across the room, leaving a skull shaped indent in the wall...the wall made of eight inch thick reinforced titanium alloy.

Tseng and Elena look into the vent to find several paintballs flying towards them, with the speed only a Turk could have both moved out of the way, too hit the newly recovered Rude, once again covering his clothes with pink paint, and with one unfortunate shot, his forehead.

The other two Turks immediately forgot about Reno and doubled over in laughter, breaking up further when pink Rude tried his most intimidating glare.

"If you'll stop laughing you'll notice all the uniforms are ruined." Rude stated bluntly.

Both ceased their laughing, a couple of wheezes escaping every now and then as they held in the laughing, one or two chuckled whenever they looked at Rude.

To the trio's dismay Rude was correct, it seemed that Reno had, shortly after the change rooms installment, found out about it. Covering each uniform scrawled in red paint 'RENO RULES'.

"...You know I'm going to kill him."

Tseng and Elena stared at Rude, not one hundred percent sure he was joking.

In a useless attempt to look even slightly professional Tseng smoothed his jacked (covered in egg salad) and strode towards the exit, opening it up he came face to face with someone he didn't expect. "M...Mr. President?" He stammered

"Do you want to explain to me what's going on...and why you're covered in egg salad..." He looked past Tseng at Elena and Rude. "And pink paint?"

Tseng stared at Rufus for well over three minutes, trying to think of a lie that wouldn't get Reno fired...and whether or not he should get Reno fired, and put on Rude's next assignment list. "We came down here to see if we could get the power back on from the control room, and were met with some unfortunate accidents."

Rufus stared at them for a moment blankly, partly assessing the story, and partly holding back any emotion that could possibly lead to a three hour laughing fit. "...Carry on then."

The trio were on their way, and quickly made it down to the sub-basement without incident. Outside the door of the control room they met several guards. "Report." Tseng ordered.

"A terrorist by the name of Rengdlena has barricaded himself in the room and threatens to blow the building if his demands are not met."

Tseng's eyebrow twitched, leave it to Reno to use the most retarded combination of their names as a fake terrorist in an insanely complicated prank inspired by god only knows what.

Pulling his sidearm he shot the lock on the door. "If there were a terrorist in there how would he lock the door from the outside?"

"Super powers?" One of the guard's ventured.

Tseng closed his eyes and began messaging his temples again. "Rude would you?"

"Yes sir."

Tseng smiled as the next thing he heard was the sound of the guard trying to put himself out after having been hit by a Fire3 spell.

Tseng stepped forward and kicked the door open, when Reno was nowhere in sight he cautiously stepped into the room, careful to avoid several booby traps along the way he made his way to the control panel. "Looks like Reno didn't expect us to get this far, he barely even tried to stop us."

Tseng had unfortunately spoken too soon as several ropes shot out and held him in place, repeated paintball shots fired from the vents.

"RENO!"

All they could hear was a chuckling emanating from the vents.

Too bad for the man of red haired mischief maker but Tseng had reached a breaking point.

Roaring in anger he cast a Fire spell, burning through the ropes. Practically foaming from the mouth he leapt up and pulled himself into the vent.

The look of laughter on Reno's face faded as he found himself staring down his menacing looking boss. "It was just a prank I swear!"

Tseng continued to advance on him.

"Tseng think about what you're doing, murder is illegal on this planet and...oh right we have a license to kill don't we..."

Rude and Elena waited outside the vent trying to figure out what was going on in there, moments later Tseng emerged pulling Reno who was desperately gripping the edge of the vent in a vain attempt to save his life.

Tseng tossed Reno to floor and grinned maniacally at him.

"I'll be good." Reno said weakly.

The trio of angry Turks surrounded him.

"If you don't kill me I'll do anything you want."

Tseng looked over at Elena. "The fact that he could do all this and still probably get out of it with his life, that's why I still haven't fired him.

**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**

"This is great Tseng, where did you find such a life like pinata?" Rufus exclaimed as he stared at the star event of the company picnic.

A smile crept across his lips. "I just collected on a favor or two owed to me."

Rude and Elena grinned, taking turns flicking peanuts, seeing if they could get them in the breathing holes on the papier-mached Reno.

"Yes!" Elena grinned. "I got one in the nose, fifty points!"

Rude mumbled something about cheating, and then picked up a stick and gave it a (very) good whack, a peanut went flying to the ground and landed at Palmer's feet.

"Nice hit Rude, one or two more of those and we'll have all the candy." He said as he picked it up.

Even if Rude had liked the man he probably still wouldn't have warned him not to eat it. Off to the side Elena shivered as she held in the laughter.

Poor Reno on the other hand was still hanging from a tree covered in paper and glue, he winced as Rude gave it another try. "One day I will reveal myself to the Turks, one day I will have revenge..." Reno muttered as plan after plan ran through his mind with joyous thoughts of vengeance.

**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**

A/C: Believe it or not this started as a relatively plausible humor fic and just quickly degenerated into my beloved brand of semi psychotic events, nonsensical plots, and things that can only be explained through calling people witches and/or gods. I had a great time writing it, it reminded me of the Legend of Dragoon fics I used to do (when rules changed I had to take 'em down or fear the consequences, hell they didn't even give me warning two of them are lost forever thanks to that.) But anyway hope you enjoyed I thought it was funny at least...


	2. Reno's Revenge

That's Why I Still Haven't Fire Him II: Reno's Revenge

A/N: That's right people I decided to write a second chapter, originally I planned this as a one shot, and then planned a sequel to appear sometime down the line but due to popular demand here it is, the second chapter with possible more on the way depending on reviews and if I can think of anything (I have one idea but I'm not quite sure about it), so anyway enjoy!

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

In an office of the ShinRa building, high up and well known sat a man, not just any man but the most devious prankster known to prankkind. Long red hair pulled into a ponytail flowed over his back, like a river of flames, the blue uniform of the deadliest men on the planet and an unkempt appearance. This would-be nuisance was Reno of ShinRa.

He rubbed his palms as he watched the computer simulation on his desk in front of him and frowned at the image it bore. "No, no, no!" He yelled in exasperation. "A pie in the face is just too weak, I need something elaborate, something incredible belief, what the foreigners call Reno-esque."

He sat in silence for a long time until his head shot straight up and his lips formed a smile, a bright glowing light appearing above him, he looked up at it for a moment. "Rude turn off the damn lights I'm trying to think."

"..." His friend shot back.

"Ok now a comment like that is just uncalled for, of course I think, I think all the time, I'm thinking right now." Reno defended.

Rude ever prepared for a verbal joust responded quickly. "..."

Reno ran one hand over his face. "How many times do I have to tell you I was really, really drunk."

Reno threw his hands into the air in defeat and sighed. "I need some air, if Tseng asks where I am tell him I shot the president."

Rude raised an eyebrow at his departing friend and grinned. "It's like playing with a child."

"What is?" A voice asked from behind him.

Rude turned around to face Elena, and if she could have seen through his sunglasses she would have noticed the glare of death he had been giving her for _almost _making him jump.

He quickly regained his composure and ceased his evil glare of hate filled death. "Just screwing with Reno's head."

Elena smiled. "It's the oddest thing, I still don't know how you two do it, finish someone's sentences is one thing but being able to hold an entire conversation without you even saying something it's uncanny."

Rude waited for her to take a breath and then jumped in. "Truthfully half the time I'm just thinking of my grocery list well he's going on and on."

Elena watched the big Turk exit trying to figure out if he was being truthful.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Reno sat in the dark corner of the ShinRa food court, far from the prying eyes of the table usually reserved by the Turks, not technically reserved but everyone was to afraid to try and use it. I slowly put a fry in to his mouth as he eyed the table suspiciously, he had done it, it had taken a year but he had come up with his master plan and soon they would pay.

"Reno!"

The red headed Turk jumped out of his chair and spun around, electro mag rod held out in front of him. "What!"

Elena blinked twice. "I just asked why you were sitting way over here."

Reno stared at her for a moment and slowly sat back down. "No reason, change is good isn't that what people always say?"

Elena stared for a moment and then turned on her heel and headed back to her table.

Reno watched her depart, although not necessarily because he wanted to make sure she was gone. "Excellent they don't suspect a thing."

On the other side of the room Elena leaned over and looked at Tseng and Rude. "I think Reno's up to something again."

Rude didn't even look up at Reno, he simply nodded in silent agreement.

Back at Reno's table he watched his friends/nemeses which he liked to call friendeses, he greedily stuffed several fries into his mouth and stood up on his table in glee. "Finally Reno shall have his revenge!" He yelled around a mouth full of half chewed food.

He looked at a group of secretaries passing him, quickly he swallowed his food and waved a fist at them. "What like you're so perfect!"

Putting one hand to his throat he moaned. "Maybe I shouldn't have swallowed without chewing a bit more thoroughly."

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Reno carefully hauled himself into the vents and crawled through the system, cursing the fact that he had to go one floor down to get in. He slowly made his way, stopping once to curse at a janitor who had poked his head up when someone mentioned an odd rattling noise.

"Here we are, Tsengs office." He looked down and silently curse to himself. "Why does that man have to work so late, it's damn near four thirty."

Tseng looked up at the vents and raised and eyebrow, prompting Reno to pull back and stop moving.

Tseng cleared his throat. "Reno if you're up there, just remember what we did to you the last time you were in the vents!"

Reno winced and peered through the grate, whispering to himself. "Oh I won't forget, I had a piece of peanut lodged in my eye for three hours, and when they found out I wasn't a pinata they didn't stop hitting me, I will never forget the shame that day my friend."

Tseng kept staring at the vents for what seemed like an eternity to Reno Tseng finally stopped and went back to work. Reno moved forward and rubbed his hands in anticipation. "Soon you shall feel the shame of defeat old man."

Tsengs head whipped back up. "Ok I heard something that time, Reno get your ass out of there!"

Reno jumped, slamming his head against the top in the process, thinking quickly he mustered his best accent and put his face to the grate. "Qué?"

Keeping one paranoid eye on the vent Tseng went back to his paperwork. Reno rolled his eyes and made himself comfortable, waiting for his boss to finish. Unfortunately for the trouble making Turk it was quite some time before that happened.

It was nearly three hours later when Tseng decided to leave, figuring he was working too hard when he started to hear snoring coming from the vents. Little did he know it was one of his own people, sleeping after a long night of waiting, his face pressed against the grate and his mind filled with thoughts of holding up Santa Claus at gunpoint.

It was a friendly rat that finally woke Reno. "Wha?...get the hell away from me." Reno mumbled as he swatted at the rat, missing horribly.

The rat cocked its head to the side and watched Reno for a moment, and then decided that the dust covered, vent crawling Turk was beneath him and walked away.

Reno watched the retreating rat. "What the hell was that about?"

Turning his attention back to the task at hand he set about removing the grating, rubbing his face, not noticing that sleeping on it had left several parallel lines in his cheek. He moved the grate to the side and pushed himself through the hole, forgetting that he didn't have anything to lower himself to the ground. "Awww crap..." Reno mumbled to himself.

He looked down and winced, it was a surprisingly long fall, why the hell was Tseng's ceiling so high Reno wondered as he dangled there.

Groaning Reno took another look at the ground. "There's gotta be another way to get down there, I'm a Turk something like this shouldn't be able to stop me, hell I once pole vaulted through the top window of a twelve story building that was on fire just to get my cigarets, I'll think of something in no time at all."

He didn't...

"Good, you'll leave for Junon tomorrow morning and-" As Tseng entered his office his gaze was drawn upwards. He closed his eyes counted to ten and opened them back up, it was still there. Tseng moved over to his desk and pulled out a bottle, taking a swig from it he then proceeded to do some paperwork, not looking up as he addressed his subordinate. "Reno have you been up there all night?"

"Yes boss."

Tseng shook his head and continued to write. "Do you really want to die that badly?"

"No boss."

"Are you sorry Reno?" Tseng closed his eyes and counted once more.

"Yes boss."

Tseng pressed a button on his intercom to his secretary. "Get the ladder, Reno's stuck again..."

They had done this before and getting Reno down didn't take very long, other then the time it took to convince him that there really was a ladder below him and he could just let go.

Reno rubbed the back of his neck nervously and looked down at his feet. "Sorry Tseng I was...helping a janitor hunt down this rat and I fell through."

Tseng gave him a blank stare and then continued on with his work.

Grinning as he turned his back on his boss Reno rubbed his hands together. "Soon you will all feel my wrath."

"What was that Reno?"

Reno jumped and turned around. "I said I feel like getting a wrap, I haven't eaten in a while."

Unconvinced but too tired to deal with it Tseng simply rolled his eyes and waved Reno out of his office.

"Excellent, now I just need to go down to the labs." Reno grinned, eyeing the security pass into Hojo's labs that he'd swiped on his way out of the office, usually all Turks were issued them but Reno had his revoked when he accidentally let a mongoose loose in a special containment area. "Stupid mongoose, how the hell was I supposed to know he liked the taste of Jenova meat." Reno could still remember the look of anger on the scientists face as he found the animal gnawing on Jenova's leg.

Reno walked casually into the lab, knowing the crazy doctor would be out of town this week he had nothing to fear.

"Reno."

Reno jumped at the sound of his name, turning around to find his partner standing beside him. "Don't scare me like that!" Reno screamed.

Rude raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing here?"

Flashing the security pass Reno mustered his best fake grin. "President wanted _ME _specifically for a special assignment, very hush hush, now move along, you're obstructing...something."

"..." Rude kept a watchful eye on him as he left.

"Ok now let's see, a little of this, a pinch of that." Reno mumbled to himself as he carelessly threw random ingredients into his bag.

The sound of a throat clearing drew his attention. "May I help you."

Shuddering at the sound of that voice, that pure malevolent voice, with the essence of nails on a chalkboard-ish evil. "Hojo...I, I thought you were out of town?" Reno ended, cursing himself at finishing by making it sound like a question.

"What are you doing?" The scientist asked.

Reno's eyes shot completely open. "I'm uh..just putting some things into...ummm this uh bag here for the President."

The depraved man shot him a questioning glance. "What bag?"

Reno looked back over the table he had placed the bag behind before Hojo had interrupted him, and winced when he saw a large smoking hole burning it way through the floor. "Maybe I should have kept it all in separate containers for now." Reno mumbled to himself before turning back to Hojo. "I was just...doing reconnaissance, I'll be back for the things later." Reno hurried to the door.

Before leaving he turned back to Hojo. "Now remember, when I was here I absolutely did not touch a thing...Rude did." He walked out hurriedly, wincing as he heard a shout of rage from the lab behind him.

**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**

Tseng, Elena, and Rude all carefully made their way into the meeting room Reno had commandeered and closed off to his fellow Turks, simply inviting them to a private gathering later on when he was finished.

"I wonder what it could be, maybe he's going to apologize for all the things he's done?" Elena said with a hint of hope in her voice.

"I doubt it." Tseng stated.

Rude agreed. "..."

Flames burst from the stage at the back of the room, shooting up from either side as a shadowed figure rose in the center.

"Swear I heard the angels cry  
Pray to god no more may die  
So that people know the truth  
Tell the tale of Paschendale!"

"Reno what the hell are you doing?" Tseng called out to the long haired silhouette on the stage.

"What the hell is he singing?" Elena asked

"Was that stage always there?" Rude asked, confused by the sudden appearance of a large stage at the back of a meeting room.

"Foolish mortals, you who have wronged thine superior shall be smotten!" Reno cried out in an overly dramatic voice.

"Smotten isn't a word." Elena called out to him.

"He butchered that song." Rude mumbled about Reno's previous singing.

"Did not!" Reno countered.

"What did you do to my meeting room!" Tseng yelled as he noticed the stage.

"Not to mention you're mortal too Reno." Elena said with a grin at the rage growing on her fellow Turks face.

"Everybody shut the bloody hell up!" Reno screamed at his loss of thunder as his friendeses kept nitpicking.

Holding a vile of greenish brown liquid in his hand he let loose a maniacal laugh ."This little potion will turn you all into monsters so hideous you will not survive the experience of even looking in a mirror, it grabs hold of something so precious to everyone that they could not possibly survive." He let loose another round of laughter. "Say goodbye to that which everyone holds dear..." He paused for effect. "Bye bye HAIR!" He screamed and threw the container to the ground in front of them.

It exploded in a ball of smoke, quickly filling the room.

"What happened?"

"I can't see anything!"

"Where's Reno, I'll kill him I swear it I will."

The voices rang out over Reno's psychotic laugh.

The smoke slowly cleared and they took a moment to look at each other. "Wow your hair colour is a little lighter I think." Elena said as she winced, trying to verify if it was actually different at all.

Tseng nodded. "Yeah your hair is a little darker blonde I think."

"Hey where's Rude?" Elena asked, looking around.

They turned at the sound of a throat clearing to see Rude's arm from behind the door. "I'm right here."

"What are you doing?" Tseng asked.

"I'd rather not show what Reno did to me." Rude stated.

Reno blinked twice and burst into fits of laughter. "Yes it worked on one of them I knew it!"

They barely saw it as a blur of colour flew past them, tackling Reno into the ground. They hit the table in the center of the room and it collapsed, kicking up pieces of debris. When it finally clear Elena and Tseng both burst into fits of laughter, atop their colleagues head which had once been bald a large afro, and not only was he now sporting an afro but it was...rainbow coloured.

Only egged on by their laughter Rude continued to unload on his partner.

"Somebody help me, he's gone crazy!"

They just continued to laugh.

"Son of a, he bit me!" Rude cried out.

"That's because you- AHHH my eye!" Reno screamed in pain.

**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**

"Truce." The two Turks said in unison as they shook left hands, Renos having been broken when Rude tackled him down the stairs.

Each one garnered many stares as the walked down the hallway, covered in bandages, casts, bruises, and of course the patch over Reno's eye. Rude was less damaged but drew just as much, no matter how often he shaved his head a thin layer of rainbow hair seemed to keep sprouting no matter what. "Just know Reno that one day when you least expect it I will get my revenge."

"Awww come on Rude." Reno whined. "You broke my arm and made me temporarily blind, doesn't that count for something?"

"..." Rude pointed to the rainbow fuzz adorning his once bare head.

"...Good point..."

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

A/N: Hey everybody due this getting more reviews on one chapter then I have on stories that were fifteen chapters (that's less than a review a chapter people) I decided to write a second chapter and maybe more if I get the right incentive (winkwink) but anyway it felt a little weak around the middle and at the end I think I pulled it together but I hope you enjoyed it! plus an extra 10 points to the people who know what Reno was singing!

Oh and I would like to thank all the great reviews I have, thank you so very much all of you, JML, Nando, Kei, Sylverskyz, Ardwynna Morrigu, TheDonutMistress, TrueBornChaos, Sulphurya, FireDanser, Santuary of Darkness, Kao, and Omega Gilgamesh

Just in reply to a few

JML: Thanks for pointing out that little typo, I'd probably have never caught it

Kei01: Yep seen it and loved it...and then watched it again and loved it again...and that keeps going on for about twenty more viewings...and then I had to start paying attention to school again. Not to mention I damn near cheered when he spider-manned it up that wall.

Sylverskyz: Aww thanks, but mine isn't better than yours, I loved it, hell you've seen the reviews I left

Omega Gilgimesh: I guess it's the whole he just seems like a really casual guy, the type that would be supposed to be working on something for the company but in all reality he's just shooting paperballs into a trash can, you know someone who would get bored quick and find any way possible to amuse himself

and again THANK YOU ALL so very very very very very very much I love you all people!


	3. Vacation I

That's Why I Still Haven't Fired Him III: Vacation part I

Disclaimer: No I do not own Final Fantasy or the Turks, surprise surprise

A/N: Hello, hello, hello it's true I did not die in some sort of horrible propane accident, I was merely horribly disfigured, forced into hiding, singing to my love despite the fact that she would never know...seriously though I'm sorry I haven't updated in a very long time but recently I got back into fanfics and I believe that this is possibly my favourite work so please don't hate me for the massive delay.

**IIIIII**

The past few months had been hectic for the Turks. Several new members had to be trained and sworn in and the duty had fallen squarely on their four shoulders.

They had lost more than twenty former Turks after a _"prank"_ of Reno's had quite literally scared the crap out of them.

The prank was now detailed in a folder locked away in a warehouse for all of Shin Ra's most devastating weapons. It was classified as an inhumane form of warfare.

That was all anyone outside of the survivors knew of it.

So after many intensive months of training there were several new pairs of Turks ready to start kidnaping, extorting, and politically assassinating.

Unfortunately for Tseng, that idiot Heidegger had demanded that the Turks and their new recruits take a three week vacation to promote_ "team cohesion"_ and prevent_ "stress related burnouts"_.

Now Tseng was a man who would have preferred to just do his paperwork in the quiet calm of his office, babysitting a bunch of newly trained killing machines was not appealing to him. To make matters worse the rest of his people were there with him. Rude and Elena were no problem, they would take the time off to rest and relax as much as they could. It was the red haired satan that worried Tseng.

Under normal circumstances Reno would get bored and tear up the office. Now he had three weeks of nothing in which to be bored.

Quite honestly Tseng feared for his life.

"..." Rude said, mirroring Tseng's worried thoughts.

Or at least Tseng assumed that he had agreed.

And that he'd said something.

Reno was buzzing all over the all terrain, personnel transport vehicle.

A school bus.

The yellow bus was all that Shin Ra had been cheap enough to spare to get them all to Costa Del Sol.

"Are we there yet?" Reno asked like an excited child.

Tseng cringed, it had begun. "No Reno."

The menace hadn't waited long enough to hear a reply before he was off onto his next line of thought. "Oh my god there's something on the side of the bus!"

Elena reached up and placed Reno in a headlock. "That's the wheel you moron!"

In the midst of all this Rude just sat there, looking cool, like he always did.

In the aftermath of rainbow 'fro incident Rude had taken his sweet time getting revenge. Reno tended to be highly paranoid on occasion and Rude never ceased to enjoy the fearful cringe he gave when it looked like Rude was about to crush him, only to realize the man was just reaching for a stapler. Rude had scared the man so bad that one day Reno had decided to climb down the side of the building by hand instead of risk being alone in an elevator with Rude.

Nobody mentioned that the building had stairs.

But with the attention span of a gnat on a heaping dose of crack, Reno had quickly forgotten his fear of Rude.

While Rude mused and Tseng tried to counter his headache with a dose of aspirin, Reno had managed to break free and was currently chatting up one of the new recruits.

"So what do you think of Tseng up there?"

"Uhh well-"

"Yeah that's great." Reno cut him off before he had a chance. "Did you know the boss likes to wear high heels, that's why he sits at his desk all day long, and why he always looks so pissed when he's not there."

Rude rolled his eyes, Tseng was always so pissed because usually if he wasn't at his desk he was dealing with something Reno had done.

Reno continued on to the next recruit. "You know they say that Hojo keeps all those mongoose in the lab because at night he let's a bunch of venomous snakes into the lab to keep out any intruders, and he needs those mongoose to deal with them every morning."

The Turk shrugged, apparently unfazed and uncaring about Reno's tale.

"Then he eats the snakes whole...and raw!" Reno exclaimed.

The man visibly paled at the image.

Tseng pinched the bridge of his nose. "Stop heckling my men Reno."

There was no reply.

Tseng glanced back and frowned when the noticed that Reno was nowhere to be seen. "Where the hell did he go."

The same recruit that Reno had been talking to was holding his mouth with one hand and pointing to an open window with the other.

The Turk leader was very confused until he clued in. "Oh god please no." He muttered to himself.

Rude produced a broom out of seemingly nowhere and started hitting the roof of the bus. All over they could hear a skittering noise trying to avoid the pounding of the broom. To anyone who didn't realize that Reno was up there would have assumed that some large, clawed animal was to blame.

Quite honestly no one knew how he was making such a noise

Nobody.

Not even Reno.

Up top the red headed menace let out a whoop. "King o' the world ma!"

The broom collided where he was standing hard enough to dislodge Reno.

Falling backwards clumsily he tried to gain footing to no avail. Reno was almost afraid for his life until thankfully his fingers collided with the rear bumper as he fell from the roof.

Holding on tightly for his life he let out a sigh and started to pull himself forward.

Inside Rude was staring at the roof, wondering is he'd overdone it a little. He didn't even noticed as Reno pulled himself along the side of the bus up to Rude's seat. When the bald Turk turned he nearly fell backwards as he came face to face with Reno.

Elena looked over at Rude and let out a shriek when she saw Reno grinning like an idiot and knocking on the window.

Reno looked over at Elena and let out a shriek because...well nobody questions Reno's motivation most of the time.

In his fit Reno forgot his tenuous grip and once again fell from the bus, barely managing to withdraw a knife and stab it into the side so he didn't hit the ground. On the other side a very scared new Turk paled at the sight of Reno's _"knife" _dangerously close to his eye, the knife was in reality a collapsible short sword.

Nobody knew where on himself he hid it, nobody wanted to know. The same went for how he assembled it so fast.

If he'd known Tseng would have done something, forced some sort of order on the bus. Unfortunately for everybody the boss was blissfully away in his trance/coma like happy place that he'd created to deal with Reno on his worst days.

Reno pulled himself under the bus and began to crawl his way towards the front. He slapped his hand on a pipe and winced when he accidentally pulled it loose. Gas started to pour out from the pipe. Reno immediately regretted his actions. "Oh no..."

"Ummm boss!" Reno knocked on Tsengs window, hanging off the roof one handed like some sort of baboon.

Tseng was unreachable though, to date no man had broken into Tseng's happy place. Not even when Reno had lit the man's hair on fire by accident. It wasn't Reno's fault that Rude ducked the flaming ball of paper that Reno was using for his newly created _"explosive"_ baseball.

Tseng had worn a wig for months.

Reno had a tendency to replace his usual wig with a somewhat effeminate blonde one.

That month nearly no work had been completed, Tseng just sat in his office staring blankly at the wall, wishing for the good ol' days of the war. All the while the rest of the Turks struggled to keep things in order. Made harder by the fact that Reno had discovered a crawl space within the Shin Ra buildings walls.

The bus sputtered and slowly came to a rolling stop. The driver blinked and looked at the now empty gas gauge.

"Ummm Tseng, sir?" The bus driver tapped on Tseng's shoulder.

"You're never going to get through to him like that." Rude muttered to himself, unfortunately nobody heard him.

The driver grabbed Tseng by the shoulder and shook him.

Elena and Rude tensed visibly, getting the boss out of his happy place like that was a bad idea. Rude had the doctors bills to prove it.

Reno grinned in anticipation as he watched events unfold through the window, dangling off the side of the roof like some sort of spider monkey on crack.

"Sir please there's a problem."

The driver sighed, realizing he wasn't getting through. Cautiously he took Tseng by the shirt and slapped him.

Elena cringed.

Rude bit back laughter.

Reno was too busy to notice, having moved on to keying Reno RuleZ into the side of the bus as well as a caricature of Tseng ripping the drivers heart out with his bare hands.

Tseng was pretty close to it.

The boss Turk's head slowly turned towards the driver, cold, soulless, demonesque, a man who so loathed people that they could feel it as a chill down to the very core of their being. The occupants could feel the pain and anguish of a thousand terrorized souls burning in eternal hellfire as the once future demons king rose to his feet with a feral snarl.

To say Tseng was pissed was an understatement. He grabbed the man by his collar and twitched visibly. "You're the only one here legally qualified to drive this heap. That only means that I will put up with you as much as I feel like, we're in the middle of nowhere and you can disappear very easily, and let's face it the authorities will turn their heads at a bus full of Turks disobeying a few traffic laws."

He dropped the driver down and his eyelid twitched repeatedly. "If you are a god fearing man you will get out and start pushing this bus."

Reno snickered.

Tseng smoothed his hair and clothes, calmly walked out of the bus and stared Reno in the eye. "Reno if you don't want to be busted down to janitorial duty and castrated at the same time you'll get your ass over there and start pushing."

Everybody stared, silently praying for their lives for fear of Tseng's wrath being drawn upon them.

He twists to look into the bus, practically foaming at the mouth. "Everybody get out and push!"

**IIIIII**

The trip had taken no time at all with the Mako enhanced might of over thirty Turks and one pale, flabby armed bus driver. They probably could have just hefted the bus up and thrown it to their destination. A plan which Reno had suggested more than once.

Tseng had blocked out the mans inane chattering, preferring to only listen to Rude's half of the conversation.

"So anyway I stumble out of this bar holding a hunk of the bartenders hair."

"..."

"That's what I said, so anyway I'm walking down the street and I see this really attractive woman."

"..."

"Oh she was nothing compared to that avalanche chick, but she was still nothing to sneeze at."

"..."

"Yeah so I sidle up to her and start with my big romantic speech when I noticed a problem."

"...?"

"Absolutely right, not even a woman at all!"

Everybody cringed at that.

"Yeah turns out it was a nickel."

Tseng had to grit his teeth and pray.

They made it to Costa Del Sol fairly quick after Tseng had decided that everybody was moving too slow and burst into a sprint, pulling the bus on his own with a rope held in his teeth.

They'd taken a quick stop on the way at a gas station but were quickly thrown out because of Reno's "_shoplifting_".

He and Rude had a twenty minute conversation on the meaning of the word shoplifting when Rude insisted that electrocuting an random man in line and taking his pack of twinkies did not constitute shoplifting. Reno argued that he had lifted the twinkies from the mans smoldering hands on the floor and left the shop.

Elena backhanded both of them out of frustration.

Not long after this incident the Turks caught up with Tseng outside Costa Del Sol. The Turk boss was covered in sweat and panting heavily.

"How long have you been here sir?" Rude asked the very tired looking man.

Tseng had left them all at the gas station saying that they didn't have time for stops, unfortunately for the group he was a quarter mile away already and nobody had heard him.

"Three hours, seventeen minutes, twenty seven seconds." He replied between gasps.

Everybody's eyes went wide. He'd reached Costa Del Sol about 20 minutes after he'd left them. That was a thirty mile run.

Reno walked passed Tseng and patted him on the shoulder. "You needed the exercise, you were getting all red faced earlier just from the effort of talking to me." He sauntered into the city waving one hand at them absently. "I'm 'a go tanning."

**IIIIII**

**A/N**: Again I am so, so, so sorry in the what year long lack of updates. If it helps I spent the last two days trying to get this out to you people. Even now on my birthday. (Everybody wish Celtic a happy eighteenth, I can gamble now! Just a year till I can drink...legally at least) Anyway I felt this was a bit of a weak chapter but trust me, once they hit Costa Del Sol it's gonna get good.

**A/N II**: Please forgive me!!!!


	4. Vacation II

That's Why I Still Haven't Fired Him: Vacation part II

Disclaimer: No I do not own Final Fantasy or the Turks, surprise surprise

A/N: Hello, hello, hello it's true I did not die in some sort of horrible propane accident, I was merely horribly disfigured, forced into hiding, singing to my love despite the fact that she would never know...seriously though I'm sorry I haven't updated in a very long time but recently I got back into fanfics and I believe that this is possibly my favourite work so please don't hate me for the massive delay.

**IIIIII**

That's Why I Still Haven't Fired Him IV: Vacation part II

Disclaimer: No I do not own Final Fantasy or the Turks and I get no monetary reward for writing these. Just my usual Turk fix.

A/N: Man I am just not good at being punctual with updates, but it is progressing so at the very least that's something. Everybody grab a cookie and settle in.

**IIIIII**

They hadn't been in Costa del Sol for more than ten minutes before Reno had upended a frozen yogurt cart in a rather violent rage. Tseng had forced his red haired subordinate to apologize and then buy some frogurt for the whole party of Turks. Every last on of them accepted it with many thanks and then tossed it when Reno's back was turned, with the exception of one rookie Turk who was soon on his way to the hospital.

Otherwise the day had gone on fairly uneventful.

Most people said the calm before the storm was the worst part. Rude knew for a fact that with hurricane Reno constantly in full force that the quiet just meant some other poor bastard was getting unknown horrors inflicted on his mind and body.

Unfortunately Rude fancied himself a bit of a masochist; his curiosity for what his teammate was up to was forever his undoing.

A short stroll later he found himself on the beach staring at the back of Reno's head, the rest of the man's body being obscured by the lounge chair he was sitting in.

When Rude circled around to speak to Reno he gagged a little.

In all the horrible circles of the twenty five hell's of the trickster god Loki this must have been the worst...assuming such places existed and Rude's brain hadn't simply been fried into believing that there were several circles in twenty five hell's commanded by Loki.

Rude would have had a headache from that complicated thought but it was overwhelmed by the sight of Reno laying there, tanning. In a thong. "For the love of god Reno what are you doing!"

"Working on my tan." Reno replied gruffly. "Move you're blocking my sun."

"I don't care you're destroying my brain!" Rude shouted at the man. "Cover up before someone sees you!"

There was a loud and terrifying wail of pain and then the sound of someone attempting to burn their eyes. Rude pinched his brow and sighed. "Too late."

Reno shrugged. "They just can't handle my obvious beauty."

"Oh god my eyes are bleeding!"

"All that is good and holy rupture my spleen and explode my heart right now!"

"I didn't think something could be that pale...OH GOD! The sun reflected off his pale body I think I'm blind!"

All Rude could say was. "..."

"Can't handle my obvious beauty." Reno said, grinning arrogantly.

Thanking god that his sunglasses were protecting him from the light glinting off of Reno's inhumanly pale form Rude slapped Reno in the back of the head. "Doesn't matter, Tseng wants us back at the hotel in half an hour so we can start the team building exercises."

Reno shifted his legs and Rude began to regret not having gone blind. "Team building exercises?"

"The whole reason we're here..."

Reno picked up a coconut full of something that smelled like pure gasoline and began sipping from it. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about Rude. Man you have gotta stop hitting the sauce."

Rude eyed the drink in Reno's hand. From the smell and Reno's usual tastes in alcohol the drink was probably strong enough to blind even the strongest of Irishmen.

"Rude you're speaking it instead of thinking it again." Reno said as he stood up. Rude winced and had to throw his arms up and cover his eyes from the combination of the glare and the...shifting... of Reno's thong. "What's an Irishmen?"

Rude quietly made a vow to murder every male thong maker in the world. It was a gift to all mankind it really was. Quickly he grabbed a towel off of someone's chair and threw it on to Reno. "Come on we have to be back at the hotel and you need to change out of that...thing." Rude finished with another shudder.

Reno rubbed his hands together and grinned. "Yes we must do exercises...team building exercises."

The malicious glint in Reno's eye was enough to send a tremendous chill up Rude's spine. The bald Turk could only hope for the love of god that Tseng had the foresight to have some contingency plan to deal with Reno. Then again the boss had been in a strained mental state lately. Before leaving for the beach Reno had nearly pinned him to a tree with a harpoon.

Nobody asked why he did it.

Nobody wanted to know.

Tseng just wanted to feast on maniac red headed assassin blood.

**IIIIII**

"Listen up we are all adults here and Reno. We can make this training and team bonding as simple, quick, and painless as possible." Tseng began to address the crowd of Turks.

The rest of Costa Del Sol would give them all strange looks. The small army of people wearing blue suits in the middle of a beach was not something a person saw everyday.

Occasionally the passerby's would catch a quick glimpse in the crowd of Reno still in his thong and attempt to shoot their eyes out but other then that there were no problems.

Reno being the Ritalin requiring prankster that he was had stopped paying attention and decided to strike up a conversation with the Turk next to him. Reno, Rude, and Elena had each been assigned a team of ten new Turks to teach and train. Reno's ten were standing beside them with their eyes focussed entirely on Tseng for fear of going blind. The Turk Reno was speaking with was one of Rude's team. "So anyway he's screaming at me to put out the fire."

"..." Unfortunately Reno had chosen to speak to Rude's protégée.

"Yeah that's what I said."

"..." The Rookie replied as he tried desperately to keep from looking at Reno.

Tseng droned on and on. Reno kept talking to the other Turk. The day wore on. More and more people went blind.

"Anyway the spider monkeys start to leap out of the arena and all the frogs start exploding."

"Reno!" Tseng yelled.

"Yeah boss?" Reno replied quickly, looking up at Tseng trying to look like he'd actually been paying attention.

"Repeat what I just said!"

Reno looked at Rude who didn't give him any help, and then to Elena who just smirked, finally he looked at the rookie he'd been talking too. The poor man had accidently looked at Reno and was now on the ground crying.

"Ummmmm..."Reno began to consider ritual suicide quite seriously. "Was it 'for the love of god Reno if I find out you aren't paying attention I will remove your genitals, feed them to several small animals, kill the animals and then give them a satanic funeral. Dig up the corpses and have their ashes forged into a sword so mighty that it will pierce the heaven when I use it to stab you in eyes'?"

Every single person was amazed that he'd repeated the entire sentence word for word on a guess. Reno would have been the most amazed if he hadn't already moved on to preparing a squirrel to fight a guerrilla war with a nearby family of deer.

Why these animals were on the beech nobody knew.

Rude and Elena both assumed that Reno had brought them simply to confound and annoy Tseng.

Tseng assumed the animals were naturally drawn to the non-existent attention span his subordinate had.

"...Fine..."Tseng grumbled quite unhappily.

Reno didn't hear Tseng. No he was far too busy attempting to get the squirrel to hold on to a small twig that was to be his sword in glorious battle.

The deer didn't seem too concerned.

"Okay people our first test is simple." Tseng addressed the crowd. "First of all everybody pair up."

Reno looked over at Rude who quickly snagged a random rookie to pair up with. He tried Elena next but the expression on her face just plainly said no. Reno tried looking at Tseng but before anything could happen there he snagged the bag of a rookie's jacket. "You're my partner."

"Uh...s sir I um I already partnered with somebody else." The poor rookie stammered.

Reno shrugged nonchalantly. "Look either you pair up with me or I take a baseball bat to your beanbag."

The rookie's eyes went wide as saucers and he looked down, gulped once, and then nodded. The poor child had no idea that it would probably hurt less to just go with the baseball bat.

"Everybody have a _willing_ partner?" Tseng said as he threw a pointed look at Reno.

In return the red head grinned like an idiot and slapped the rookie on the back. "I've got..." Reno broke off and looked at the rookie. "What's your name kid?"

"Dev sir, you were the one that trained my squad...we were pinned down beside each other for an hour in the air vents when you decided to do a tactical strike on Elena's birth control pills. Mission accomplished, they were replaced with the peanut M&M's" Dev responded.

Reno was inspecting his nails by the time Dev had finished. "Yeah that's great kid. Look Tseng can we get started here, I need to get back to tanning."

Tseng shuddered and decided that for the sake of his own eyes he would do this fast enough to get away from Reno. "This is a simple exercise in trust, close your eyes and fall backwards. All you must do is trust your partner to catch you."

Dev tugged on Tseng's jacket. Tseng glowered down at the young Turk. "What?"

Leaning in close Dev whispered something into Tseng's ear. Tseng laughed a little at what the kid was in for. "Everybody has to do this. Just try to brace yourself before you hit the ground and pray that Reno doesn't try to come up with a creative way of catching you."

Reno chuckled. "Yeah, good luck with that."

Everybody moved into position. Rude closed his eyes and prepared to let his silent protégée catch him.

At least one would assume he closed his eyes, with the sunglasses nobody ever knew.

Elena insisted on catching her partner. Both of them made it through the exercise without incident.

Tseng took some aspirin and prepared for whatever Reno attempted.

Squeezing his eyes shut tightly Dev turned away from Reno and prepared to fall backwards. The rookie Turk's life flashed before his eyes, which was usually a sign of impending death. Not very good odds Dev noted with a hint of terror.

Life seemed to move into slow motion as he fell backwards and then...nothing.

He cracked one eye open and winced when the bright light hit it. Then he noticed he was inside and on a stretcher.

"Oh thank god!"

"Doctor he's awake."

Dev tried to sit up. "Where am I?"

Tseng moved into his view and pushed him back. "Calm down, we had to call an ambulance. You'll probably be alright but we need to have you checked out all the same."

"What happened?" Dev looked around until he found Reno smiling. The red head handed him a lollipop and a teddy bear.

He handed them to Dev and shrugged. "It wasn't my fault kid." At that he shot a glare back at Elena.

"Don't blame me! I thought I was pregnant!" Elena screamed at Reno.

Reno grabbed Rude and tried to pull him in front as a human shield. The bald man didn't budge so Reno settled for stepping behind Rude. "You never mention a boyfriend and I can't be constantly surveilling my friend for blackmail material. How the hell would I know you had a thing for that guy down in the torture department? Some kinky stuff there by the way 'Lena."

Elena let out an indignant cry and threw a nearby shovel at Reno.

Rude sidestepped it and let it smash right into Reno's face.

Everybody winced as they heard the sound of breaking cartilage as Reno's nose shattered.

Tseng sighed and looked over at Dev. "I am truly sorry about what I am about to do son." He looked up at one of the paramedics carrying Dev. "Get another stretcher and fit Reno in the ambulance with Dev.

The rookie Turk prayed to the gods that Elena managed to put Reno into a short coma or something.

Tseng just cried a little inside and took a few '_helper'_ pills.

**IIIIII**

A/N: Well now how was that? Not too bad?

Hooray!


	5. Vacation III

That's Why I Still Haven't Fired Him V: Vacation Part III

Disclaimer: No I do not own Final Fantasy or the Turks, even if I do occasionally dream that I do.

**A/N**: That's right people I am back! I won't lie and promise regular updates but I also promise it won't be years before the next chapter!

* * *

Elena felt just a little sad for the poor rookie, whatever his name was, that Reno had taken an interest in. Even worse the kid was now stuck in the hospital with Reno as a roommate.

Maybe cellmate would be the more appropriate word.

When the doctor had said that both men should stay overnight for observation Tseng leapt on the opportunity to keep Reno under lock and key. Immediately he posted four Turks at the door and another twenty three around the building.

"Sir?" Elena asked Tseng. "Are you sure this is a good use of our time?"

The Turk leader stared at the young woman for a few moments, unblinking in a very disturbing manner. "No."

"Then why are you doing this?"

Slowly Tseng removed a bottle of Nyquil from his pocket. "Do you see this?"

Elena nodded.

"The last time Reno was in the hospital I only got twenty minutes of sleep over a three day period. Why? Because Reno found his hospital room so boring that he felt the need to cover himself in cheese whiz and start screaming that he was an alien and needed a doctor from his home planet."

Elena shrugged. "That doesn't sound so bad."

Tseng nodded, "You're right it doesn't. After creating a ruckus he escaped, we spent the next two days trying to coax him out from the crawlspace. He incited three riots in the psychiatric wing under the alias of Napoleon the shogun of chocolate. He lit a surgeons hair on fire during open heart surgery, the poor doctor had to finish as his hair burned down. As the crowning achievement of his stay he sculpted a fifty foot Reno statue made with bedpans and sporks and left my bed precariously stacked on the statues head."

"That doesn't sound so bad."

"I was sleeping in it at the time."

"But-"

"He died my hair gold and handcuffed my feet to the two key bedpans of the sculpture."

Elena had no response, at all.

Rude shuddered at the memory; he'd never needed nor wanted to learn that Tseng slept in the nude. The image of a golden haired, naked Tseng tumbling down in a pile of sporks and bedpans haunted his dreams. "Sir you forgot to mention that he had used...soiled bedpans."

Tseng twitched and slowly turned to face Rude. "I'd tried to forget that, thank you Rude."

"So what's the plan?" Rude asked, trying to change the subject.

"You guard him. I put myself into a medically induced Nyquil coma and don't return to world of the Reno until I've had at least two thousand coma fantasies involving his bloody murder."

"Ah."

Tseng nodded. "I will be taking my leave of you now, good day."

Both Rude and Elena watched on as Tseng ambled away, chugging the bottle of Nyquil as he went.

"That can't be good." Elena muttered.

Rude nodded his agreement.

* * *

Reno surveyed the bandages surrounding his nose. "Dear god, look what she did to Mr. Sniffy. The poor little guy never did anything to her."

Dev on the other side pulled back the curtain separating him from Reno. "Sir, the doctor said I had a severe concussion. I'm really tired and I should probably sleep."

This thought seemed to honestly confuse Reno for a minute. "Sleep? You know what you're right Binky! It is boring in here!"

"My name isn't Binky sir, it's Dev"

Either Reno didn't hear Dev speak or much more likely he simply didn't care. "It **is** so boring that it's putting me to sleep."

"That's not really what I meant sir." Dev said, frightened of where this was going.

Unfortunately for the rookie it was far too late for reason. Reno had already begun to scheme.

Slowly the redhead sidled up beside the door. "Quickly Dev, yell that I need a doctor."

"What good will that do?" Dev asked.

"Do not question me rookie! Just do as I say!" Reno roared at Dev.

Reno placed himself up against the wall next to the door. "Now Dev."

The younger Turk looked around nervously for a few moments. "Uhhh...doctor?"

"Not like that, scream. Act like someone's about to die!"

Judging from the evil glint in Reno's eye Dev couldn't be sure that someone wasn't about to die. "HELP! DOCTOR!"

A doctor rushed into the room looking about for the problem, stethoscope at the ready. Reno quickly stepped behind him and karate chopped the man in the back of the neck causing him to go down like a sack of potatoes.

"Excellent." Reno hissed as he rubbed his hands menacingly.

"Sir?" Dev asked.

"Yes?"

Dev fidgeted for a second from his growing fear of his superior. "Well...it's just...what did that accomplish? There are still a lot of other people in the hospital."

Reno grinned like a madman. "Oh you just leave that to me. Now, yell for another doctor."

Dev gulped.

Dev was now completely certain he would never want to be around ever again when the red haired Turk was bored. Lying on the floor was the hospitals entire staff, having been called in one by one for Reno to karate chop.

Reno posed like some sort of superhero atop the pile of unconscious bodies. "Now Dev we begin phase two."

Dev stared longingly out the window at the people who weren't stuck with Reno. "Phase two?" He asked.

Reno cackled. "We shall overthrow the current government and make Costa del Sol ours. From this day forward it shall be called **RENOTOPIA**!!"

Dev absently wondered if he could just start pricking himself with needles.

"Dev with you at my left hand and the squirrel at my right we will conquer this hospital and launch an uprising on Costa Del Sol. Viva la revolution!" Reno cheered, pumping his fist in the air.

Defeated Dev sighed and hung his head. "Just one thing sir."

"Yes?"

"Where did that squirrel come from?" Dev asked.

"You remember don't you Hank, I was training him as a soldier in the last chapter." Reno said, scratching the squirrel's chin.

"Chapter sir?" Dev asked, too confused to say anything about his name not being Hank.

"Yes Hanky, the last chapter of our lives. You know when we were down at the beach and I gave you a concussion."

"Oh" I was all the response Dev could muster under the circumstances.

Reno placed the squirrel on his shoulder and raised a fist triumphantly. "Let my reign of terror over this pitiful hospital commence!"

Somewhere very far away a cold shiver ran up Tseng's spine. "Oh god no, my Reno sense is tingling."

* * *

Rude took one look at the hospital and knew that Reno was awake and up to the usual.

"Well...crap." Elena muttered.

A wall of surgical equipment surrounded the graffiti covered building. Here and there squirrels scampered around with scalpels shouldered like rifles.

Elena shook her head. "He's only been here twenty minutes. How is this possible?"

"..." Replied Rude.

As if on cue the whole hospital building went up in flames. Not from an explosion but rather it seemed almost like some sort of demented magic trick.

In time with the burning building Reno came striding out the front door with his head held high and a proud grin on his face. Behind him Dev walked with his head hung in shame and haunted rings around his eyes. Finally and unexpectedly there were twenty squirrels walking in formation behind the two Turks.

Rude looked over at Elena. "We could ask what's going on, we could even do something about it. My vote is for going to the bar and getting too hammered to hear Tseng killing Reno."

"Agreed."

* * *

It was nearly twenty minutes later as Rude and Elena found themselves being dragged out of the bar by an irate Tseng.

"I was just about to sleep! Do you understand, sleep, glorious sleep! If I'm not in my own home with all my Reno traps placed around the house I can only sleep with medical aid! That's why you two are here, to deal with Reno when I'm going to try and get the first wink of sleep in twenty four hours! SO WHY DO I SEE RENO MARCHING PAST MY WINDOW WITH AN ARMY OF SQUIRRELS!?" Tseng screamed, all but turning red in the process.

"Sorry, sir. It will never happen again, sir." Elena barked.

Rude just winced and adjusted his tie.

Tseng sighed and rubbed his eyelids. "Alright let's go get him before it gets out of hand."

The three of them set out to find their wayward companion. Rude in the rear quietly muttered. "As long as Reno's involved it's already out of hand."

After a few minutes of following the path of destruction they came upon a small family restaurant. Elena pointed to the trail of feet and squirrel paws leading into the restaurant. "Looks like it lead in here."

Tseng bit back the urge to yell 'no duh' for the sake of his pride as a professional.

The moment the trio entered they all gasped. Everywhere were crude paintings of Reno done in what looked like blood. All around children cried, most likely because of the stuffed Chocobo doll smeared in blood with its head bitten off.

Rude walked up to one of the paintings and wiped it with his finger, tasting the paint. "It's blood."

Tseng and Elena just stared.

"What?"

"Did you seriously just taste the blood!?" Elena yelled.

"We should just keep moving." Tseng said.

The three followed the trail of disturbing crayon and blood pictures leading out the back door of the restaurant.

Outside it was even worse. All over the place there were fires and people running in horror. "Looks like they're all coming from the stadium." Rude said, pointing to a dome shaped building in the distance.

Soon the trio of Turks found themselves inside the stadium watching at the horrible sight in front of them.

Reno danced around in some sort of costume fashioned from various hospital items and tribal symbols on his face painted in blood.

A woozy and sick looking Dev wobbled back and forth trying to keep his balance.

The squirrels seemed to have split into two warring factions with two forts on either side of the stadium, some squirrel warriors in red and others in blue.

Suddenly Dev spotted the other Turks and ran towards them faster than it seemed possible.

He came to a stop in front of Tseng. "Oh thank you god! He's already taken the seniors center and now he wants to annex the supermarket!"

"Calm down rookie." Elena said, still unable to remember his name. "What the hell happened."

Dev shakily held up his hand. "He gave me a paper cut and used it to paint his territory and those marks on his face."

Tseng and Elena gasped and Rude...well he's just Rude. Elena bent over and poked Dev. "How are you still going? You should be dead from blood loss."

"Reno invented synthetic blood. I didn't believe him when he told me. It shouldn't be possible but he said he did it one night when he was drunk and chipped his tooth on week old pizza." Dev rambled.

Tseng patted the rookie Turk on the head. "It's alright, Dev."

"DEV, THAT'S IT!" Elena jumped up in delight.

The others stared.

"It just that I was having a hard time remembering his name..." Elena trailed off dejectedly.

Dev looked about read to pass out. "What are we going to do about Reno?"

Tseng straitened his back and nodded towards Rude. "Rude would you please?" Tseng asked the large Turk politely.

Rude nodded and walked over to Reno who paced back and forth in front of his thrown. "Next we take Junon my friends!"

Dev frowned. "How do we stop him?"

Tossing back a glass of scotch with one hand and pointing to Rude with the other. "That's one of Rude's jobs."

The bald Turk looked Reno up and down for a second before punching him in the face. Everybody winced as for the second time that they heard Reno's nose break.

Staring at Costa del Sol now in ruins, fires blazing everywhere, Tseng massaged his forehead. "He destroyed an entire city with twelve squirrels and a rookie. That's why I still haven't fire him. Unofficially 

Reno is Shin-Ra's greatest weapon. Deadlier than a Mako bomb, it has actually been decided that unleashing him on an unsuspecting populace is cruel and unusual."

Dev nodded slowly having witnessed the unabashed terror of a bored Reno first hand.

Tseng turned to face the rookie and pinned a medal on Dev's suit. "For having survived a whole day with that...thing...you have earned one of Shin-Ra's highest honours, the Reno survival badge. You are no longer a rookie but an official, battle hardened Turk. From this day forward you are head of the Turk torture division."

"But, sir..."

Tseng shook his head. "Don't worry it's an easy job, you just lock the person in a room with Reno for about twenty minutes. It's just hard to find people for the job...not many can handle Reno."

Dev watched Tseng walking away, shaking his head and clutching his Nyquil, and felt a terrible sinking feeling in his stomach.

* * *

**A/N**: Please don't hate me for such a long time between updates!!

Thus concludes the vacation arc of this story and I hope you all enjoyed. For a few minutes I worried that this chapter was too out there...and then I remembered Reno in the ducts shooting pink paintballs and Rude's rainbow afro.

Anyway I don't know where I'm going to go from here but I promise there is more and that I will try to update soon.


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